Family therapy systems

Personal boundaries are crucial for every human well being. For one to coexist well in a society or family for example, they should learn to set their own boundaries. However, one should not use this as an excuse to manipulate others they should rather let go of the outcome when they set their boundaries (Cloud, 2004). The aim of this paper, therefore, is to identify the boundaries that exist in our day to day lives and their impact on our lives altogether. The existence or the non-existence of boundaries highly determines how we relate to others.

TYPES OF BOUNDARIES AND THEIR IMPORTANCE In a family setting for example, boundaries do exist between parents, among the children in the family and even between a parent and a child (Lundberg & Lundberg, 2000). At work places, workers have their own boundaries they put to avoid being mistreated such as being overworked or underpaid by their bosses. The same applies to the bosses who set their own boundaries against indolent employees who are always late to work and never run short of excuses.

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Lastly, boundaries for people in a relationship are as crucial as is their relationship; no healthy relationships last without healthy boundaries (Cloud, 2004). These boundaries are important as they help us speak out our feelings regarding how we are treated by others whether good or bad and this is a way of protecting ourselves in a healthy way. Whenever one feels mistreated, they should not hesitate to say so. They should say how they feel but not declare how they are, for instance, saying “I am angry” is not the same as saying that you feel angry (Cloud, 2004).

The former means the feeling is who we are which is definitely not true whereas when you say you feel angry then you are affirming that you have the right to feelings and you don’t enjoy feeling bad. Problems associated with boundaries. Many problems have been associated to boundaries or lack of boundaries. The most common problems are as follows. In adult life one may feel owned or disowned as a result of too much or lack of bonding between them and their parents when they were young (Lundberg & Lundberg, 2000).

This could be physical or sexual and leads to people losing their self worth as others would command them around as they go about their duties and they never get to be appreciated for what they do but they are badly criticized and they end up feeling inferior (Cloud, 2004). On the other hand people would also feel disowned as people around them act as they don’t even notice that they are around. We should therefore avoid people who ignore us so as to keep our sense of self intact.

People with boundaries are not spared from trouble as they either end up feeling too close or too far from their loved ones and they are afraid they might lose them or may remain too lonely. Those without boundaries (or whose boundaries are weak) on the other hand fail to realize that other people have boundaries and in turn end up violating other people’s boundaries (Cloud, 2004). Depending on how one was brought up, people have different boundaries some too strict, some not as strict as such while some people may even have no boundaries at all.

This has left many wounded since childhood and they end up being the society rejects as many refer to them. We should therefore learn what healthy boundaries are, how to set them and how to defend them. The following steps are vital to observe as one sets to create their own boundaries (Cloud, 2004). Therapy for boundary related problems Setting boundaries starts with the awareness that there exists boundaries. One should then try hard to understand and to see if they have any. This should be closely followed by communication where one learns to communicate their feelings without blaming others.

When people cross you should avoid phrases like you hurt me, you make me angry or you hurt me or how could you do this to me after all I have done for you (Lundberg & Lundberg, 2000). You should instead be polite and ask them to consider their actions or you politely back away. Always be on the look out to notice when you cross someone and they tend to retreat emotionally or physically so as to avoid crossing then time to time. As you notice other people’s boundaries you also get to understand you have the very same boundaries as they.

Learn never to over react when your boundaries are violated but also you should give yourself room for mistakes; do not be too harsh or too lenient to yourself (Cloud, 2004). Experiment on telling people their mistakes without hurting their feeling as they tend to become defensive when you criticize them harshly and they will hate you for that. Inform your pals about your intentions to improve your relationship with them and to protect yourself. Remember that unless you allow them, people will not cross you and no help is welcome unless asked for by you.

Lastly and most importantly you must stop crossing other people’s boundaries for them to respect yours. CONCLUSION Everybody has a right to protect and defend himself. It is, therefore, not only our right but also our duty to take responsibility of how we allow others to treat us. However, learn not to judge; when one does something bad they are not bad people and also making a mistake does not make one a mistake. That is what toxic shame is all about: feeling that something is wrong with our being, that we are somehow defective because we have human drives, human weaknesses and human imperfections (Cloud, 2004).

When one grows up under the notion that they are supposed to be perfect failure to which they would cause their loved ones too much pain and otherwise they do them an enormous favor for being perfect is harmful to their well being as they end up trying too hard to please others. We should therefore not struggle to be people pleasers but try to be good pleaser. REFERENCES Cloud, H. (2004). Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No to Take Control of Your Life 4th Ed. Michigan. Zondervan. Lundberg, G. & Lundberg, S. (2000). I Don’t Have To Make Everything All Better. Michigan. Penguin.

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